sexonatable's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fatherless I don't really know what I expected to see when it started storming and I opened the blinds in the living room to look outside at the storm. I am also not sure why I got the urge to just go and stand in the rain and let it pour down on me as I stood staring blanklessly into space. Sometimes words and thoughts are more than one can understand. Sometimes it's hard to understand why one loves and gives everything and tries so hard with out showing it. A lot of things in life are strange. Like the fact that I am in love with a old man or the fact that I am to chicken shit to tell my father how I really feel about all the years he has wasted pretending that he's a good father. Life is a mystery. My life more than others. Things I want to say to him he will probably never hear and it hurts to know that I can not say what I feel to someone who created me. I am just not sure how to say Dad I love you but your the most horrible father and my entire life you have let me down. I am not sure if he deserves the honor of walking me down the isle with my mom because he hasn't been my dad my mom has been more of my dad than he can ever be. There has been one time when he came through. That time I cried and he wondered why I was crying as he hugged me. But he also thinks that a few flowers and some nice pictures of me in my cap and gown make up for the last all most 20 years of pain I have endured from wondering why he can't just be a normal father. But in my heart I know that it doesn't. It doesn't make up for all the times I waited for him waiting for him to come, all the times I looked into a crowd of people and wondered why didn't he come, or even on my prom day when he said I can't come over I have company. Or even when he didn't do or say anything to Dave after he told him if he ever hurt me he would shoot his ass. To me it seems that my father thinks that a few I love you's and some hugs and kisses make everything good. But in my heart I know that nothing he can do or say to me will ever make up for all the pain I have been through wondering does my dad know that he's a horrible father? I guess I will never know unless I grow some god damn gull and ask him. 1:58 a.m. - 2005-06-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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