sexonatable's Diaryland Diary

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200th entry... Goodbye

THIS IS FOR THE WORLD... SOME PEOPLE ALL READY GOT IT OTHERS DO NOT HAVE IT SO HERE IT IS!

Insomnia can sometimes be as cruel as the world itself... Millions of thoughts dance around
your head as you lie awake each night wondering what your next day will bring. It also spirals you
down into a deep depression leaving you wondering why you are still here. It causes your mind to
wander beyond natural life and onto much darker things. You soon find yourself deep into a dark
black bottomless pit of depression. It seems like the world around you will never understand you.
It seems that they are to nieve to how you feel. They think your something great when really your
nothing more than just a ragged old worn out piece of trash that has been kicked around. Nothing
in your life is real. Your boyfriend is not yours to keep, and other people who you try to get close
to you feel are against you. In fact you feel the whole world is working against you in a plan to rid of
you. Why you feel this way they may never know but you know. You can not stand to be here
you can not stand to sit back and watch everything you were once in control of slip from your finger
tips. Your life is no longer your own. There was a time when everything was perfect the only problem
you had was going to your fathers house. You were young and in control. But as you grew the feelings
of a some what psychotic state began to grow and grow. Your anger became much more than a cleanched fist. You would beat your head against the wall in protest of your mother. She just thought you were angry but she did not know the real you. No one knows the real you. The person who lives deep inside of you, there is one person who knows them.. but he is gone he is nothing to you any more. He was the only one who understood who your other side was. The side of you who hated everything the side that was angry and wanted to lose control at any moment. The side who feels nothing about herself but anger and wants to hurt herself in any way possible. That is the side of which you are now trying to show the world. You get a craving for drugs and think of the possibilty of doing them and never stopping. The possibility of lying around the house and doing nothing but sticking shit up your nose. Though that tempts you, you look for another way out. A way to end this pain and this sorrow. Running away could do it but in the end it may only hurt you more than staying and dealing with things. A gun.. a gun would do. I could stick a barrel in my mouth and pull the trigger and let my brains splatter all over the wall. But I do not have a gun. If I did it would be put to damn good use. Besides there is one more person I want to tell goodbye. My escape does not seem easy. Some how I will be out of this world weather by death or by escape. I will be the great magition and escape life it will be the ultimate trick no one will find me. I will leave only goodbyes to those who I love the most. I will tell the man who I have longed for for months goodbye with a kiss and I will dissapear. It will be so easy. I may not leave today or even tomorrow. But I know that before.. the next week comes I will be gone just another memory in everyones photo albumn. I will be the girl everyone remembers the one who everyone loved.. for him I will be the one that got away..but mostly I know that I will be remembered as the one who was always strong and like a rock. TO bad they could never see the real me. To bad I was a fake, I am a fake I am really nothing though I pretend to be strong I am weaker than anything. I want to say goodbye now but I can not risk getting bitched at by someone who supposedly loves me so I will wait until tomorrow and I will call and demand a proper goodbye. For if the wind does not take me tomorrow the good lord will. May God Bless my soul and forgive me for my sins. I will probably go to hell because Heaven does not make room for people like me. I am a sinner beyond repent I have done everything there is to do wrong. I have lived my life full of sin and for that I apologize. Goodbye Everyone! Thank you for the great wonderful life I have had. Thanks for making me smile your all wonderful! Goodbye now it's time for me to fly

Sammi Jo Thompson

6:30 a.m. - 2005-03-24

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