sexonatable's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Ghost behind my eyes Why do I use so many Ozzy refrences to explain my feelings it's so strange??? Well.. The only reason I am going to write this to you is because I feel I need to write it down and maybe it's just to have someone else listen to me besides Keith. I tell him everything even things I don't tell you guys but sometimes he doesn't have all the right answers so then I find myself looking else where. I also find myself saying oh my god I must be growing up because I tell a man every problem and feeling I have and not my friends. *Sorry guys* I really want to tell Mat and Tina *mainly* because they are my *talking* friends who I tell everything to but I guess I am afraid of something. I am afraid that maybe they will think of me as completley different than big goofy Sammi. I don't want them to see me any other way but they are my friends and they tell me things I will take to the grave so I guess I can do the same and tell them huh! Well any way here goes the feelings. Sometimes like the past week I get really depressed feeling. I think about going to jail and how I will react when I see Dave in the courtroom and what he will say. I cry at night and lay in my room on the phone mostly to Keith every night after school. I hardly even speak to my mother. I get suicidial thoughts even though I would never do it I try to make myself believe that I want to. Then I think hell my life is fucked what if I do go to jail it will ruin my life. Which would be the end for me any way. But I get feelings like I want to die. When I talk to Keith about my feelings he always thinks it has something to do with our relationship so I get all mad and frustrated. Last night I was thinking that maybe I do wear mask like that hot violence speaker told us all. Maybe I wear the fearless happy mask. But deep inside I am dying I am slowly rotting away because all I have been doing latley is keeping my feelings between me and the phone. I feel like I am killing myself because every since I was with Dave i learned how to hide my feelings inside myslef and not let anyone on to how I am really feeling. So I will end this before it becomes to much of a burden by saying... I am ready to take off my mask and allow my friends to know how I am really feeling. It's time to end this madness inside before something does happen to me. I guess this is kind of my own way of a cry for help! Sammi Jo Thompson 12:47 p.m. - 2004-02-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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