sexonatable's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yearning that will never be fulfilled Can't sleep. Have no one else to talk to about this and it's driving me mad. I have been rereading my old entries over and over again. I can't stop thinking about Jerry. It's like non stop every second of every day. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I have lost my mind. I have everything I have ever wanted I don't know why I am doing this to myself. he has been gone for 4 years this year. I just have this need for him. This yearning that is so deep it's awful. I can't stand it. All I want is to be held by him. To touch his popeye arms, to hear his voice, just anything. I am probably insane but I have been considering going to a psychic or something. I just want to feel him or hear from him or something. Anything!!!! I am so fucking desperate that I found out his son works with me and I said hi to him. Like why? Why would do do this? Ugh!!! I just can't explain it. It's unlike anything I have ever felt before. Ralph has been decent about it and let me talk and cry about it but he also doesn't know the full extent of this intensity that I am feeling. It's terrible. I don't know what to do. Like I said my life is amazing. I have a house that is fantastic and coming together and looking all cute. I have a wonderful husband. A nice vehicle and a good job. Literally everything I have ever wanted!!!!! I guess a part of me keeps wondering what it would have been like if he would have got the divorce. if we could have done this together. Like Ralph pointed out I would have been alone because he was old and he would have passed away but deep down part of me just doesn't care because I feel like it would have been worth it even if we only had months or a few years. Just to finally be together alone with the man I loved and will always love. I just keep staring st his photos. I keep staring at the way he looked at me. I crave that. I crave that gross desire and lovey stare at each other like no one else is around. I think that's what I miss. It's the butterflies I felt even after we were long done and I was going to get married when I would just see him in public. I crave his brown eyes looking at me longingly and full of sparkle and love. I don't get that any more because we are old and married and I wonder if that's what I am missing.... I really don't know what it is. But I do know there's nothing I can do about it and it's fucking awful!!!! God I miss him!!!!! 12:31 a.m. - 2020-03-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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